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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
Word for the day is asstard
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist