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Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: Iām getting laid.....off.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
Iām so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.