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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.