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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
someone told me I am immature and need to grow up ... so guess who is not allowed in my snow fort!!!
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
My mind has a mind of its own.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.