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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.