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If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!