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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
Well another funny thing about this status is, by the time your done reading this, you realize it talks about absolutely nothing and you just wasted your time. Welcome to Facebook.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.