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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
BEER! The official sponsor of hot days!
Sorry but if these walls could talk I`m pretty sure they`d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you`re blowing out of proportion.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn