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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
Check this one out.........1
I think I may be getting harder to love.
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you