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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.