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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
The well behaved rarely make history.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.