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I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
Quick Hide! Monday is Coming!!
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.