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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
Hello...
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
Hawaii is a great place to live if you hate being eligible for contests.
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?