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Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
Siri, where are my pants?
To hell with the "dislike" button! i think we need a "who cares" button, a "WTF" button and a "STFU!" button. just saying.... Oh and a "lol" button because i just get tired of writing it! lol!
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.