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Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5