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Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.