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Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.