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When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who`s knees don`t bend.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.