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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.