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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.