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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
Is it annoying when people answer their own questions? Yes it is. Do I wish they would stop? Absolutely.
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!