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1. My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
   
2. I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
   
3. Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
   
4. Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
   
5. Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
   
6. I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
   
7. I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
   
8. Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
   
9. Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
   
10. I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
    
11. They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
    
12. If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
    
13. Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
    
14. I just lost my mood ring, I don`t know how I feel about that.
    
    
    
    
    
    

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