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1. Email: 8 character min, including 1 upper, 1 lower, 1 number, 1 special character. ATM card: 4 numbers
   
2. Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
   
3. My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
   
4. On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
   
5. FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
   
6. Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
   
7. I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
   
8. If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
   
9. My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
   
10. If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
    
11. Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
    
12. Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
    
13. Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
    
14. Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
    
    
    
    
    
    

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