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1. Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
   
2. I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
   
3. When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
   
4. I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
   
5. This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
   
6. Sex, do it for the kids.
   
7. Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
   
8. If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
   
9. It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
   
10. My friend said "hey that girl has a nice butt" I said "yes i bet she can sit down excellently "
    
11. My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
    
12. Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
    
13. Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
    
14. Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
    
    
    
    
    
    

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