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1. I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille....
   
2. My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
   
3. Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
   
4. Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
   
5. I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
   
6. My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
   
7. Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
   
8. What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
   
9. In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
   
10. Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
    
11. Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
    
12. Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
    
13. Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
    
14. Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
    
    
    
    
    
    

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