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1. I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
   
2. Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
   
3. If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
   
4. I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
   
5. I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
   
6. We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
   
7. Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
   
8. Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
   
9. When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
   
10. F is for friends who do stuff without you.
    
11. My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
    
12. Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
    
13. Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
    
14. Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day
    
    
    
    
    
    

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