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1. People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
   
2. Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
   
3. Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision!
   
4. What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
   
5. New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
   
6. If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
   
7. Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
   
8. Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
   
9. ....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
   
10. “Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
    
11. I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
    
12. I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
    
13. A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
    
14. I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards
    
    
    
    
    
    

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