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1. This status update is only available in English.
   
2. Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
   
3. Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
   
4. "I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
   
5. The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
   
6. With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
   
7. Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
   
8. I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
   
9. Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
   
10. So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
    
11. Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
    
12. I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
    
13. That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
    
14. I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
    
    
    
    
    
    

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