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1. A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
   
2. Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
   
3. The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
   
4. Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
   
5. All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
   
6. I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
   
7. If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
   
8. My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
   
9. My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
   
10. Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
    
11. I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
    
12. Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
    
13. Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
    
14. I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
    
    
    
    
    
    

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