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1. If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
   
2. “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
   
3. Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
   
4. Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
   
5. Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
   
6. My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
   
7. Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
   
8. Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
   
9. So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
   
10. Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
    
11. Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
    
12. I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
    
13. Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
    
14. Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.
    
    
    
    
    
    

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