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1. I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
   
2. I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
   
3. I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
   
4. I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
   
5. I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
   
6. Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
   
7. I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
   
8. Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
   
9. You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
   
10. China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
    
11. For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
    
12. Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
    
13. Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
    
14. Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.
    
    
    
    
    
    

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