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1. A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
   
2. When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
   
3. If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
   
4. Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
   
5. Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
   
6. If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
   
7. I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
   
8. I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
   
9. I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
   
10. Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
    
11. Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
    
12. Yes... I repost. Isn`t that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that`s your fault...
    
13. I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
    
14. I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s
    
    
    
    
    
    

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