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1. Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
   
2. Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
   
3. Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
   
4. Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
   
5. If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
   
6. a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
   
7. Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
   
8. Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
   
9. I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
   
10. For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
    
11. I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
    
12. Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
    
13. Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
    
14. I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.
    
    
    
    
    
    

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