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1. Jimmy is short for James? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. Do they even know what short means?
   
2. I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
   
3. Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
   
4. Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
   
5. More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
   
6. You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
   
7. There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
   
8. My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
   
9. Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
   
10. She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
    
11. That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
    
12. Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
    
13. Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
    
14. I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."
    
    
    
    
    
    

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