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1. Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
   
2. Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
   
3. Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
   
4. Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
   
5. Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
   
6. As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
   
7. There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
   
8. I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
   
9. Do whatever you want, and if it`s something you`re going to regret in the morning, sleep late.
   
10. I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
    
11. Why do people with the most to say contribute the least?
    
12. I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
    
13. You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
    
14. Elevator music bothers me on so many levels
    
    
    
    
    
    

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