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1. "Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.
   
2. When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
   
3. What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
   
4. Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
   
5. Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
   
6. It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
   
7. I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
   
8. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
   
9. I suspects that whoever named that Icelandic volcano (Eyjafjallajokull) must have fallen asleep on their keyboard while thinking it up.
   
10. Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
    
11. Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
    
12. I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
    
13. On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
    
14. My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.
    
    
    
    
    
    

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