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1. I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
   
2. Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
   
3. I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
   
4. Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
   
5. I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
   
6. Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
   
7. I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
   
8. If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
   
9. What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
   
10. I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
    
11. Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
    
12. Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
    
13. I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
    
14. I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
    
    
    
    
    
    

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