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1. Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
   
2. You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
   
3. My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
   
4. How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
   
5. You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
   
6. Sometimes I meow back at cats.
   
7. I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
   
8. My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
   
9. I`m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don`t really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
   
10. Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
    
11. I`m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that`s how weather works.
    
12. I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
    
13. I really would love to see two mimes arguing
    
14. Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
    
    
    
    
    
    

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