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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.