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I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.