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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."