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Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.