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Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
You might be a REDNECK if you think S.T.O.P. means spin tires on pavement!! :)) lol
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
For those of you who know nothing about pleasing a woman... the G spot is located at the end of the word "shopping".....js
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.