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Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.