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Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
I am one of those people who presses every button in the elevator when I`m getting out =]
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
I`ve had enough of my neighbours blasting their music from their backyard. I`m not annoyed cause it`s so loud, i`m annoyed cause they`re Korean & they`ve still yet to play Gangnam Style!
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?