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I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
Don`t bother trying to figure me out...not even the little voices in my head understand me...it`s pointless.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!