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Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
I`m starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.