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If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
I drink coffee for your protection.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.