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Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.