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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."