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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.