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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
OMG!! IT`S MONDAY ... What the f*ck do you think comes after Sunday, Sunday JR. ?
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.