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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Based on the sound of her walking.. My upstairs neighbor seems like the kind of woman that starts sentences with; "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum.".. O_o
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
This headache feels like dumb people
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
justin bieber
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.