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Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
and alcohol are now friends.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.