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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.
Lil Wayne is 10% African-American and 90% tattoo.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
I gave my cat 7up, now it has 16 lives
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
After watching the "Schticky" ad, I am convinced now there are 8 wonders of the world.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...