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Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.