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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
My dad says that if I don`t stop typing so loudly, he`s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK
I do what I want, when I want, where I want. If my wife says it`s okay.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?