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"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
My life coach just benched me.
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.