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I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.