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Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
The only dates I get are updates.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.