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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, scratch between my butt cheeks....I`m in public.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...