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We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
Facebook Poking Hours: Mon-Friday 7am-10pm Sat 12-11pm Sun Closed
Opinions are like a$$holes: some people make money by posting them on the internet.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.