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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They`er so warm and cozy, and it`s fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
Iām sad when my food is over.
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.