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Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
Strangers are like birds. If you run at them screaming and waving your arms they will run away.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
I’m Not Arguing. I’m Simply Explaining Why I’m Right.
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.