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I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?