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Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
Picking and choosing who to say happy birthday to since 2006, thanks Facebook!
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
i just peed so hard that I laughed a little bit
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.