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Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.