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Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.