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I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.