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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds. :/
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
I wish I had a friend like me
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!