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I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
Had a blast doing my Black Friday tradition!!!! I slept!
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.