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You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
They say a woman’s work is never done. Maybe that’s why they get paid less.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn`t. Stupid enough to do it anyway.