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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
If you think my post are bad, you should see my choice in men.
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."