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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
Yeah I`m married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT`S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.