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When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.