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No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.