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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.