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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
Iām not fat... my stomach is 3D.
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.