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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
It’s ok if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
You are so selfish! You´re going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.