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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
We get it poets: things are like other things
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.
Home is where the alcohol is.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.