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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
You should NEVER say and I mean NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she`s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at the moment.. :|
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.