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Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
Last year in college football Alabama beat Arkansas, Tennessee, and Auburn. Those teams coaches all resigned. Any chance of Alabama playing agsinst the White House this year?
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
I can`t stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I`d be successful and happy by now if it wasn`t for them!!!!
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.