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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit ... And all I did was sign up.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.