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You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.