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Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since `pro` is the opposite of `con` we should call it prosti..... oh wait.
Jingle bells johnny smells, amelia ruled the show, frankies okay, marcus is gay, little mix all the way.. HAY !!!