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Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?