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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs