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Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.