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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
I`m perfect you adjust.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....