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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...