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You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.