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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
A lot of people are very competitive when playing stupid.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.