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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.