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People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
“The darndest things.” -kids
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.