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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it`s Wednesday.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I`m OCD.
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
The older I get the better I used to be.