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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.