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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...