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It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That is NOT okay
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house