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I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
Velcro, what a rip-off!
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.