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Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
LOOK A UFO! Quick, grab the worst camera money can buy.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
I love you more each day as my other options diminish.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.