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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
is having some serious PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome!
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.