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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.