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I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
Gym Update: Not there.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.