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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.