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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
I just blew all my party money on bills again
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.