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If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
Deadliest Catch and Jersey Shore - two reality tv shows about catching crabs
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?