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If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
Was building a website for women drivers ... Bloody thing kept crashing.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
It`s no fun if you have permission.