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!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
Seven years ago today I swallowed bubblegum ... I`ll keep you all posted.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.