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Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
They say a woman’s work is never done. Maybe that’s why they get paid less.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."