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I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
āIā before āEā especially after āPā. Mmmm pie
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list