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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, Iām not tired at all.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
Iām not stupid. Iām just too lazy to show how smart I am.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.