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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
Don`t you just hate it when people say stuff in thier status that you really didn`t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop. Talk to ya later.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.