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It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced [hah hah fuhk yoo]!!
What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.