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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.