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If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.