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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.