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Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
Who do Walmart shoppers make fun of?
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.