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Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.