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The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
According to my neighbor’s journal, I have boundary issues.
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
"This is bullsh!t" - bull farmer giving barn tours
What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.