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I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.