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If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
You think Iām mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.