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I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
cuss words = sentence enhancers
It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.