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That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...