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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant. Agree or nah??
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.