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You`re only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!