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Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.