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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that`s okay with you guys?
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.