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Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what`s for dinner.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect already.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
Iām simply on reserve for the one who deserves
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.