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To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?
I fake my lol`s