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I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.