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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I`m not saying your opinion is stupid, I`m just saying you`re stupid for having it
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....