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Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?