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I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
You might call it lazy ... I call it selective participation.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.