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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
What do women say when they are actually fine?
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
I have nothing!