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Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.