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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...