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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.