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This beer tastes like future mistakes.
This nude beach would be great!...if I wasn`t the only one participating.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
Life is tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.