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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
If I throw a stick will you leave?
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.