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I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.