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If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
All I heard was, " I swear it`ll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.