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Monica & Chandler’s twins would be 9 this year, Pheobe’s triplets 14, Ben 18, and Emma 11. Let’s just take a moment to let that sink in.
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.