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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.