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Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.