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Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
That`s not how I met your mother.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?