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I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.