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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )
I like staying up insanely late but I also like getting 12 hours of sleep. See my dilemma?
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally