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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
There really isn`t much difference between being a kid and being an adult. I was just as emotionally crippled upon learning the truth about Penthouse Letters as I was about Santa Claus.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
This might be the worst online counseling site ever.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.