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Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.