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So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don`t taste any different.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?