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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
After 6 years, is it still all Bush`s fault or has it been reduced to "Unfortunate circumstances under no one`s control"?..............
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b