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I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"