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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.