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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.