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As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.