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To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.