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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
The Teen Choice Awards air last tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren`t allowed to vote.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome