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I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5