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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped
You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post`s every day...
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Every woman needs a shoulder to cry on, a shoulder to lean on and a shoulder to hold her bra strap on!!!
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.