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Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.