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If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
so, on a scale of one is to seven, which letter of the alphebet is your favourite colour?
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
Life is fun! You should get one.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.