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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.