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I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch