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Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
Save time. See it my way.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"