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The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
I just lost my mood ring, I don`t know how I feel about that.