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I propose we change the names of the upper case P and lower case p to "P standing up" and "p sitting down."
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
The only dates I get are updates.
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.