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Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
Why isn`t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...