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SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Walmart needs observation decks.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
My misery likes tequila, not company.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch