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It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
Question everything...Or should you?
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.