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When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It`s only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.