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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??