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When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.