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The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
I have a black belt in leather
I want to sleep tighter
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..