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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.