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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.