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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
The problem with frozen yogurt is that it`s not ice cream.
A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.