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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
The difference between “like” “love” and “in love” is the same as the difference between “for now” “for a while” and “forever”
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.