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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
When I`m all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I`d never let that scenario become a reality.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"