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I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
The inside of my fridge: evidence that Iām still not a real adult.
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up