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The older the Facebook post, the creepier your “like” becomes.
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.