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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.