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As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
I think, therefore i`m single.
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
"With a stroke of a pen your name can live on forever in a quote!... Unknown,
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.