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I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
The future was so much cooler in the past.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.