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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, Iām forty. I have one.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.