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Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
"You CAN even."- white girl life coach
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I have nothing!