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Worry: a waste of imagination.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.