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Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
Been there, done that. allegedly
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.