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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”