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I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
If you were a Pokemon, I`d choose you.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
I like people the most when I`m by myself.