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Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I make a great second impression.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.