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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I’m at the age where all my posts start with the phrase “I’m at the age where.”
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.