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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile ?
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
FANNNN...DANNNNN....GOOOOO. Breathe The A`s.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.