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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.