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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
Never laugh at your wife`s choices. You are one of them :)
How Big is Infinity?
I like people the most when I`m by myself.