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Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.
That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
It`s a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?