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I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"