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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.