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You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
I`m not saying you`re a slut but you`re dirtier than my browser history.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.