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I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."
Sweating is for people who do stuff.