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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
NO, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem