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Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??