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In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.
Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.