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As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.