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I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life