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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
It`s amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there`s a pill available for it.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.