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I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks I should skip work tomorrow.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.