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Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!!
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.