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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.