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I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
Will someone please tell ugly girls with small boobs that their opioion doesnt really matter.