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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
Due to the rise in the economy, the position 69 will now be 96, due to the higher cost of eating out.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace