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I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.
Is a roasted peanut like a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts?
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.