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Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...