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There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.