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1. Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
   
2. First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
   
3. Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
   
4. My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
   
5. If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
   
6. I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
   
7. When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
   
8. If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
   
9. Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
   
10. when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
    
11. Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
    
12. Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
    
13. I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
    
14. Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
    
    
    
    
    
    

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