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1. My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
   
2. At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
   
3. So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
   
4. Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
   
5. How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
   
6. I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
   
7. It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
   
8. Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
   
9. "Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
   
10. Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
    
11. Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
    
12. M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
    
13. You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.
    
14. if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.
    
    
    
    
    
    

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